Portrait of Herself
I’ve been sorting through a lot of old things lately and came across a series of essays from 2003-2004. I thought they deserved to see the light.
I am on the short side of average height, slight, and bony. I have been accused of being Spanish and Lebanese even thought my olive complexion screams of my Italian ancestry. My eyes are so dark that often the iris is indistinguishable from the pupil. I have dark, thick eyebrows, and brown, straight hair. It’s short, and needs to be cut; it always falls in my eyes. My nose is of adequate size and very slightly upturned. My teeth are straight, thanks to braces and white, thanks to Crest. The curve in my back, my narrow shoulders, and flat chest suggest that perhaps, when I quit ballet at age seven, I was ignoring my true calling. My hands are small and delicate. My nails are short and usually painted with polish that chips far too easily. My face is in the shape of an oval and boasts strong features to accompany my slender body.
My temperament is as unpredictable as the weather. Although I attempt to be optimistic, far too often I blow insignificant annoyances out of proportion. I enjoy laughing and making others laugh more than anything in the world, thought on the whole I believe I am far too serious. I rarely feel comfortable talking about myself, and usually defer conversation to those who don’t mind hearing their own voice. I am considered a good conversationalist, not for my riveting pontifications, but for my ability to be genuinely interested in conversation that does not revolve around me. My disposition greatly depends on my comfort level. When I appear aloof or disinterested, it is often because I am feeling self-conscious and painfully shy. I am often nervous around people I’ve never met before and thus rarely do my acquaintances feel as if they know me. I often hide behind my intelligence or ambiguity. I am cautious when I don’t have to be and reckless when I should be careful. I show different sides of my character to different peoples, and I rarely confide in more than oner person on the same topic. My changeable temperament renders me a sort of indefinable enigma.
I am not usually fond of my own company. I much prefer to surround myself with people , even ones I do not know or like well. This fault often leaves me feeling lonely rather than fulfilled. I spread myself thin, engaging companionship with more people than I can hope to be a good friend to. I belong to no social clique, nor do I define myself by one stereotypical group, Just as I don’t allow many people to know much about me I know very little about most of the people I see on a daily basis. I tend to let friendships slide away from me when I get bored, or meet someone new. My constant thirst for social change is derived in part by my desire to be in control. I prefer to be in charge; I consider myself a leader and often take on too many responsibilities. I’ve found that being in a leadership position widens the gap between me and those I am leading. It also ensures that I am not anonymous and may be recognized by any number of peoples. Striving for recognition is another of my flaws. I enjoy the prospect of being recognized, praised of rewarded immensely. I do very little for the intrinsic value it brings me, although I am trying to change. I realize that I am not always worthy of praise, and that I must find internal value for what I do; I simple find it easier to find acceptance and praise in other.
I love too willingly, and like my changeable temperament, my changeable heart flutters from passion to passion, dabbling in everything from athletics to poetry, to politics. I believe I have found an unwavering, true passion for the visual arts. Unlike most people who master one or two things in their lifetime, it is in my arrogant nature to attempt to be the Renaissance woman of the twenty-first century, and show my proficiency at everything I do. I admire those who have truly mastered their chosen vocation. As I can not seem to pick one activity to devote my time to, I will forever be an amateur in all I do. I will continue meeting new people, and learning from their stories. I choose not to regret my actions and instead learn from my mistakes. I try to make myself aware of my own imperfections because the beauty in man is not in our similarities, but in our uniqueness.